Monday, October 18, 2010

Grape Soda is Better When it's Made by a Librarian

So, Jones soda has come out with a line of Buffy the Vampire Slayer sodas. This is possibly the most ridiculous marketing ploy I've ever seen.

Disclaimer: I'm not a diehard Buffy fan, and I haven't really seen anything except for what I sparingly remember from the first season and maybe a couple episodes of that spinoff Angel. I don't think this really hampers my ability to aptly ridicule these sodas.

For reference, the full page spread of the sodas:

Let me break this down for you.

First, the sodas are being billed as a limited edition:

Now, this would be fine if these were new and interesting flavors that had never appeared before (things like Turkey and Gravy or Green Bean Casserole), but if you went into a store right now, you could find any of these flavors and more. What exactly, then, is limited edition about these sodas? As far as I can tell the only thing new about these sodas is the pictures on the label, torn straight from the Buffy comic books. And I have a sneaking suspicion that if you're a diehard enough fan to buy these gimmicky sodas, odds are you already own all of the comics these pictures are from.

Also, a four-year-old could have come up with catchier names for these sodas. I can only imagine two scenarios that would produce such lackluster names:
Jones Guy 1: "Hey, we should give these sodas awesome fantasy names that evoke the canon of the show in a nostalgic way, like we did for the D&D sodas."

Which was responded to in one of two possible ways:
Jones Guy 2: "Well, Jones Guy 1, I would love to, but there's a new Desperate Housewives on tonight, and I heard that they're even more desperate, and in more houses!"

Jones Guy 2: "What?! Jones Guy 1, if we give them oblique and esoteric names, no one will be able to tell what flavors they are!"

So either the Jones Soda guys were too lazy to put some thought into these names, or they thought that fans of the show might not be bright enough to realize that the grape soda might be the purple one.

Let's tackle these one by one:

Buffy's Blue Bubblegum

This is perhaps the least egregious of the bunch. Despite the fact that they just stuck the principal character's name onto an existing soda flavor (as if somehow you were drinking the soda that omigosh Buffy totally drinks too yay!), they do get points for the alliteration and Buffy was a blonde cheerleader so bubblegum sort of fits in here.

Willow's Green Apple Witch Brew

While I suppose that there's some loose connection between witches and apples, I fail to see why they didn't just call this "Willow's Witches Brew." Why does it have to be stated that it's green apple? We caught on last time when it was called "Eldritch Blast." Why not "Eldritch's Green Apple Tasty Blast of Super Fun Which is Green and Apple Flavored"?

Xander's Strawberry Lime Elixir

To be perfectly honest, the character was forgettable enough that I don't really remember a single thing about him, and the soda name is so generic that I can't say anything that I haven't said making fun of the previous two. So I'm just going to idly wonder why the hell Xander has an eyepatch, and comment on how it makes him look like a silly pirate.

Giles's Grape Potion

So what exactly does a grape potion do, anyway? Healing potions heal people. Strength potions increase strength. Mana potions restore potent magical energy. Grape potions...increase...grape-y....ness? Enhanced ability to cluster to a vine? Ability to turn into a raisin when left out in the sun? Someone please tell me.

Twilight's Old Moon Orange Cream

Ten seconds of Google searching led me to discover that Twilight is actually just a mask-wearing Angel (spoilers!), the broody vampire-with-a-soul who, up until he gained a conscience, was one of the most dangerous and feared vampires of all time. So obviously the best soda flavor to give him is Orange Cream. Because nothing ends a hot day working up a thirst killing loads of innocent people and gorging on their blood like a nice, refreshing, orange cream soda.

Dawn's a Centaur! Root Beer.

Notice that little exclamation point in the first part there? That makes it its very own sentence, independent from the fact that this is root beer. I don't think I've ever seen two things as bafflingly unrelated stuck into the same space to somehow imply logic or cohesion. This label says to me, "Hey! Dawn's a CENTAUR! Also, you know, there's, like, root beer in the bottle here, um, if you wanted some. *shrug*"

The best part of this whole thing, though, is that they're actually charging extra for the variety pack of Buffy themed sodas. You can get these exact same sodas from the exact same website for cheaper, if you don't really care that much about labels with pictures of a vampire slayer and her pals on them. So unless you're that tiny sliver in the middle of the Venn diagram between Jones Soda fanatics and Buffy addicts there's really no reason at all for you to go out of your way to purchase these.

Plus, the fuckers didn't even include cream soda.


  1. If you're "strawberry lime" I'm pretty sure it's required that you wear an eyepatch and look like a silly pirate.

    Also, seriously, grape potion? I have no idea why, but it made me think of that one movie with Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman as witches and Sandra Bullock has a shop and a dude comes in to say the stuff doesn't work and she giggles and tells him to apply it "elsewhere". Which then made me think that "grape potion" is something you take for swollen or enlarged balls to make them smaller.


  2. Okay, the Buffy's blue bubblegum flavor kind of sounds like they ripped it out of her mouth and squeezed the flavor into a bottle. Ick.

    Once again Pinder, you have made me LOL so freaking hard. You really should write more.

  3. I would totally drink that rootbeer! I feel like it's implying that maybe I, could become a centaur too!