Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Survival of the Fanciest: Zombie-fighting tools for the discerning protagonist

I know, I know. Zombies again. You should all know how to properly survive the zombie apocalypse by now, after carefully studying the wealth of popular materials out there: Zombieland, The Zombie Survival Guide, Resident Evil, Motivated Youth on the Internet, World War Z and the other contemporary and historical materials. Even Shaun of the Dead teaches us how to survive the zombie apocalypse with a sense of humor and optimism.

But sometimes, surviving isn't enough. Sometimes, a little style and sophistication is what's required to get us through the dark, viral land where our brains are the hottest commodity (yes, in more ways than one!) and the world turns against us.

For these times, we turn to Etsy.

Sure, Etsy has lots of cute earrings and geeky accoutrements, but there's some serious zombie-fighting hardware in there too! Don't believe me? Check these things out!

Bone Breaker (Mace)
Bone Breaker by
Ominously, my first result ended up being the scariest, most serious piece of zombie-killin' weaponry I think I've ever seen. For sale, in real-life, that is. The Bone Breaker (mace). Yikes. I don't want to ever run into this seller on the street at night! At first I thought it was just a weird eccentricity until I saw the other stuff in that shop. This is, I am positive, the most dangerous shop in Etsy. Dangerous to a physical body I mean, not dangerous to my bank account (*cough* I love earrings *cough*).

Once you have your weaponry taken care of, it's time for armor! The most important thing is that you protect yourself from zombie bites. Zombies are (or were, depending on your zombie philosophy) humans, and humans can't bite through metal! Grab yourself some chainmaille to protect your arms from bites, also available in children's sizes for the young'uns; because there's nothing worse than ankle-biting mini-zombies. If you're strapped for cash and are a master scavenger (playing Fallout 3 will help you master that skill), you can always make your own chainmaille out of soda can tops for the ultimate Milla Jovovich style zombie fights. And don't forget the corresponding iconic red dress; which, I'd like to point out takes 28 days to ship, so... it might arrive just in time...

Left 4 Dead 2 - Health Pack
Left 4 Dead 2 Health Pack by
During a zombie apocalypse you can never be too careful! You should never leave your safe house without your First Aid kit (this example was so great, it sold before I finished this article!), which should be packed with bandages and Zombrex (not currently available on Etsy). And it's always a good idea to have a convenient and easily accessible source of alcohol-based sanitizers! A vessel for actual alcohol is also recommended, as a swig here and there can help dull the philosophical pain you will certainly endure over the course of the harrowing fights in this new world.

Finally, you'll need a way to document your experiences in this new deadly world. You'll need to remember where the loot areas are, safe house locations and which areas have become too dangerously overrun with zombies. Any old journal will suffice, but we'd might as well go with something classic, yet current, and fit for the occasion. Remember, however, that zombie behavior is the antithesis of a "gentlemen-like manner."

Dapper Dinosaur Onesie - all-in-one dinosaur fancy dress animal costume
Dapper Dinosaur Onesie by
If you or someone you know is catastrophically incapable of preparing for anything; if you know someone who is unquestionably destined to become zombie fodder, then why not offer them a hilariously apt gift before they turn? Not only will it be a nice gesture of goodwill before they lose their humanity, but it will also increase the morale of other survivors! There are lovely pendants for the more religious types and buttons for the hip and hipster. There are more functional items too, such as a gas-mask, to keep a muzzle on that new zombie!

T-shirts are always popular and range from the humanitarian to the hunted, from the ironic to obvious, to the seemingly non-sequitor philosophical shirt (the eternal return? Anyone? anyone?). There are all kinds of great and fancy costumes that you could dress your zombie-to-be in; wouldn't it be great if there were dinosaur zombies, zombie pirates, zombie Snow White... you get the idea. In fact, it would be *awesome* if the zombie outbreak happened on Halloween! Except if you're dressed like a zombie...

Happy shopping, my friends! Stay tuned for more zombie-fighting tips in the future!


  1. Heehee, love it! If I turn, I hope that I am wearing that dinosaur onesie.

  2. Hmm, I had no idea Etsy was so useful! This could be dangerous :-)

  3. Been reading that comic The Walking Dead, us nerds are pretty much set to inherit the earth if this goes down because we're pretty damn prepared.

  4. Basically, Nomad - this article is amazing. <3

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